Why Traditional Coaching Models Didn’t Work for Me
Finding a Flexible, Intuitive Approach to Personal Growth Through Experimentation
Despite completing life and wellness coaching certifications, I found that traditional coaching frameworks and models never resonated with me. They often felt too structured for my liking. As a client, I would feel pressure to set a goal, identify obstacles, and commit to action steps in one session. I started to feel this process was superficial. This made it hard for me to connect to my goals or fully understand what was really holding me back.
There were many times when I would say something at that moment, feeling pumped and ready, only to lose interest a few hours or a day later. It did not help my perfectionist tendencies when I failed to follow through and eventually lost momentum.
Yet, I did manage to set goals in my life and achieve them. I discovered my approach was more introspective, intuitive, and driven by trial and error—a simplistic, flexible method. Somehow, this process worked, leading me to experience many career changes.
Most of those changes resulted from setting a professional goal, following through, and achieving the intended outcome. So, setting a broad goal or intention does work. It was more about figuring out the best way to implement changes that felt natural to me.
Then, I stumbled upon an interview with David Epstein that put everything into perspective regarding my process.
Becoming Your Own Scientist
When David Epstein discussed the idea of “being a scientist of your own personal development,” it immediately resonated. He pointed out that we often fail to fully learn from our experiences unless we explicitly reflect on them. He suggested tools like journaling or employing a self-regulatory cycle—an approach that guides personal and professional growth through intentional reflection and experimentation. This concept struck a chord because I realized I had unconsciously followed a similar method.
We’ve all seen motivational posts that say, 'It’s all about the journey’—or something along those lines. But David goes beyond this, highlighting that the journey is satisfying when we experience the fulfillment that comes from feeling ourselves improve along the way. It made me see that my approach was a series of experiments, continuously iterating and pivoting based on what I learned and holding myself accountable for my own growth.
I understood David when he suggested thinking about our thinking, taking responsibility for our learning, and embracing the messy, iterative nature of the process. Unlike the tidy, step-by-step packages of traditional coaching models—which often felt too restrictive—this experimental approach allowed me to explore and adapt naturally.
I realized that being a scientist in your development isn’t about having a perfect formula. It’s about being curious about your natural behavior, trying to figure out techniques, and learning from your failures.
This revelation validated how I navigated my personal and professional growth. I tend to craft a personalized approach that evolves around my fluctuating mood, energy, and diverse interests. The system needs to be adaptable, flexible, and easy to implement to maintain consistency.
The Benefits of Becoming Your Own Researcher
When I reflect on what makes this process easier for someone like me who struggles with sticking to a structure, I came up with 4 reasons as to why this process is one that I naturally fall back on:
Adaptable: You can customize the process to suit your mood and energy levels, specific needs, and goals. It’s about what works best for you.
Flexible: Experimenting means you can pivot and adjust your approach as you learn. This helps you maintain momentum rather than give up.
Maintain Control: You can implement and monitor as many or as few changes as possible. You can also manage the difficulty level by choosing either a micro or more challenging task.
Empowering: The most important benefit is the feeling of empowerment. This comes from taking ownership of your growth and experiencing a sense of fulfillment through creating a process uniquely tailored to meet your needs and aspirations.
For the Perfectionist in You
One final reason I like this approach is that the nature of experimentation is to expect trial and error. When you understand that failure is an expected part of the process, you can switch from an all-or-nothing mindset and keep the momentum going because you know that every misstep is simply data to inform your next move.
It’s not about reaching a specific outcome but about evolving toward it in that you’re learning, adjusting, and growing in a way that feels authentic and sustainable.
Thought-Provoking Prompt:
What challenges have you experienced following traditional personal growth models in the past?In my next article, I cover the differences I found between coaching models and my experimental approach to personal growth.
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Until then,
I’ll see you next time,
- Mili
I trained in coaching psychology 20 years ago and had the exact same experience. In fact, despite all my training and often still working as a coach, I rarely felt a kinship with the field. Too model-based for me. When I let go of the models and worked from a place of curiosity, exploration and systems-thinking I started enjoying it a lot more, both in terms of the client work (still a small fraction of what I do) but also in terms of my own life and growth. Self compassion has played a huge part too ☺️